Sorry for the long post. It's just that I had no one to share this with, yet needed to.
TL;DR: Am I a jerk for being upset when my friend insults or spreads rumours about me?
I am a high-schooler. Being a hardcore introvert, I have never really had close friends. Overall, I have good relations with everyone, but could never have a friendship that went beneath the facade of superficiality. A little less than two years ago, I made friends with a guy, but I don't really like the way he treats me.
A few times, he insulted me and my family with the most disgusting of words. I was really upset about this and told him about how I felt. I tried to be utmost civil and respectful, yet he shamed me and said that I am incapable of accepting the flaws in a person, and that I should accept him for the way he is. I did not say anything, but thought is it all that bad to expect basic human goodness from another person? All I had said was that I was upset about what he said to me.
Once, I told him an embarrassing thing about myself and we had a laugh about it. This is the kind of thing you would like to have secret, yet the next thing I know, the entire class knows it, and I was made fun of for it. This is a seemingly insignificant thing, but I was highly embarrassed. I thought I had found someone with whom I could share feelings purely personal to myself, yet this happened.
Quite frequently, he makes pejorative remarks about me in front of others, often disguised as jokes or funny comments, but they hurt. I always maintained my composure, yet recently, I found him spreading more of such half-truths about me (seasoning something I told him with a great deal of verbal spice to synthesise a negative portrayal of myself) and engaging in negative gossip about me with another of our friends. I had always bottled up my emotions, but maybe the bottle had been filled to the brim. In a fit of anger, I made an indecent hand gesture at him, for a split second, before I controlled myself. I have been thinking about this. It was wrong to do, yet with all that he has done, it does seem pretty justified. I had had too much. I was exhausted. The question is, can I forgive myself for it?
Some people might call this arrogant, but is it arrogant to expect basic goodness from someone? Is it selfish to expect someone to not insult you or to treat you with basic dignity? My inner voice has perpetually been harsh to me, yet, even with careful recollection, I could not recall a single moment when I had been rude to him. I loved him (fraternally), and cared for his well-being. I help him whenever he needs it. He always calls me a 'friend', but his behaviour has led me to wonder whether he is actually a 'friend'? I never feel happy or peaceful when I am with him, I have never felt him treating with dignity. Hell, when I am with him, I feel scared for my own mental health. I must admit I have low self-esteem, but not as low to allow someone to insult me freely. Low self-esteem is not even that much of a good thing to have, is it?
When he insulted my character, I could have been moved with a simple heartfelt "Sorry", but the question is, is it too much to ask for? He did reluctantly apologise for the insult later, but not before making me apologise for protesting in the most respectful way possible.
It is satisfying to receive responses that validate oneself, yet I shall try to be as open-minded as possible. Do you think I should have more self-respect and leave this "friend" for good? Or am I in the wrong here and need to apologise? I want to know your thoughts on this.
TL;DR: Am I a jerk for being upset when my friend insults or spreads rumours about me?
I am a high-schooler. Being a hardcore introvert, I have never really had close friends. Overall, I have good relations with everyone, but could never have a friendship that went beneath the facade of superficiality. A little less than two years ago, I made friends with a guy, but I don't really like the way he treats me.
A few times, he insulted me and my family with the most disgusting of words. I was really upset about this and told him about how I felt. I tried to be utmost civil and respectful, yet he shamed me and said that I am incapable of accepting the flaws in a person, and that I should accept him for the way he is. I did not say anything, but thought is it all that bad to expect basic human goodness from another person? All I had said was that I was upset about what he said to me.
Once, I told him an embarrassing thing about myself and we had a laugh about it. This is the kind of thing you would like to have secret, yet the next thing I know, the entire class knows it, and I was made fun of for it. This is a seemingly insignificant thing, but I was highly embarrassed. I thought I had found someone with whom I could share feelings purely personal to myself, yet this happened.
Quite frequently, he makes pejorative remarks about me in front of others, often disguised as jokes or funny comments, but they hurt. I always maintained my composure, yet recently, I found him spreading more of such half-truths about me (seasoning something I told him with a great deal of verbal spice to synthesise a negative portrayal of myself) and engaging in negative gossip about me with another of our friends. I had always bottled up my emotions, but maybe the bottle had been filled to the brim. In a fit of anger, I made an indecent hand gesture at him, for a split second, before I controlled myself. I have been thinking about this. It was wrong to do, yet with all that he has done, it does seem pretty justified. I had had too much. I was exhausted. The question is, can I forgive myself for it?
Some people might call this arrogant, but is it arrogant to expect basic goodness from someone? Is it selfish to expect someone to not insult you or to treat you with basic dignity? My inner voice has perpetually been harsh to me, yet, even with careful recollection, I could not recall a single moment when I had been rude to him. I loved him (fraternally), and cared for his well-being. I help him whenever he needs it. He always calls me a 'friend', but his behaviour has led me to wonder whether he is actually a 'friend'? I never feel happy or peaceful when I am with him, I have never felt him treating with dignity. Hell, when I am with him, I feel scared for my own mental health. I must admit I have low self-esteem, but not as low to allow someone to insult me freely. Low self-esteem is not even that much of a good thing to have, is it?
When he insulted my character, I could have been moved with a simple heartfelt "Sorry", but the question is, is it too much to ask for? He did reluctantly apologise for the insult later, but not before making me apologise for protesting in the most respectful way possible.
It is satisfying to receive responses that validate oneself, yet I shall try to be as open-minded as possible. Do you think I should have more self-respect and leave this "friend" for good? Or am I in the wrong here and need to apologise? I want to know your thoughts on this.
